My Residence Card

My Chinese Visa will expire in a month so last week I went to Yichang with one of the Chinese teachers (her English name is Suzy) to get my residence card. We got on the bus and head out to the police department. The plan was show them my passport, physical exam records and take a photo then leave. Once there (10am) we were told that we should take the photo but I would have to do another physical because my records are from America; the second issue is that my photos all look different apparently. The photo in my foreign expert certificate looks Chinese and my face looks long, the pic on my medical records, my face looks round and in person I look like neither of them! So we take a photo and get in a taxi to go to the hospital.

We get to the hospital about 11am and there is a massive race against time because most places shut down between 12-2:30pm to sleep (including my school)! I go to one floor to have my blood drawn; go to the 3rd floor and the doctor motions me to lie on the bed. She then tells me to take off my shirt, so I sit up to do so and I am strapped with colorful strings on my ankles and leg, etc and I say "whoa"- picture a straight jacket effect with more colors (thats my guess at least I've never actually been in a straight jacket ward)- so anyway I take off my top and have on a tank top- I guess its EKG- 2 mins later I'm told to get up and we go into another room.

Suzy then says "first you take off the top now you take off the bottom"- I respond "ahh man" and take off my skirt, the doctor looks at me puzzled and says something and then I put my skirt back on. We both laugh, I lie down again- this time she has a handheld object that kinda looks like a pizza slicer only that it has rubber on the ends so it wouldn't hurt. She applies a cold gel and I start giggling- then she tells me not to breathe! The procedure is at least 3 mins and she expects me not to breathe! She then tells me to breathe alot, I guess that meant inhale and exhale- she does not speak a lick of English. Suzy then tries to explain the next instruction- she said "put up your back and put ypour stomach down"- I said "what?" and then she says "sleep on your belly" and I say "oh lie on my stomach"- so we do the same thing again no breathing then excessive breathing so she can check my lungs, etc.

Then we go to another room (because it would make too much sense to have the machines closer!)- I see an eye chart- I was expecting the ones you have at the DMV.... I see this

Now the instructions I got when Suzy translated was tell the doctor where her finger is going, so I have this big old spoon over one eye and I'm looking in a mirror and the chart is behind me. So she moves her finger up and I motion my finger up, she does a few things and I tell her which way her finger is going. After she declares me as blind, they explain again- what I was supposed to do is tell if the "E" she is pointing on is turned up (as in the regular way); flipped to the left or right or turned down in which case it would look like an "M"- I pass the test then she checks me for color blindness using a book with patterns that had numbers engrossed in it...

Suzy says ok one item left, and she is running so I start running then she tells me I don't have to run (confirmed: Chinese just like to run!)- I go to another doctor on the first floor and he tests my pressure- I did not eat because I wanted to be on time and I had just had blood drawn- my result was 100/60 but I was not worried (normal is 110-70 or 120/80 and thats what I usually get) plus I'd much rather be a bit low than being high...

So we go to measure me, and of course this is funny because I am way taller than the doctor, I take off my heels and gt measured. Then he weighs me, I weigh like 30 more kilos than Suzy so we laughed about that....we leave and I sigh relief then she says "ok now one more item"- this illusive one item thing is becoming one more item after completing the last one more item- hope I didn't lose you :)

I go into a room on the 2nd floor Iand the male doctor leads me into a big white room, with a smaller room to the far right- a huge machine that must have been featured in Saw, Texas Chainsaw Massacre or at least Freddy! My two concerns- no one is using that machine on me and I am not removing my clothes. Suzy tells me to stand in front of the machine with my back against the board- the doctor writes some notes and leaves. He then reappears turns me to face the board- presses me into the board as if to flatten my nose and then goes into the smaller room, then he tells Suzy to come into the room too! I am nervous because I dont know what these machines do and why did he call her as if there was going to be some electricty striking or something. Then I realize he called her in there because he assumed that me being a waiguoren (foreigner) I did not speak Chinese which in this case was an accurate assumption but nevertheless- she tells me when to breathe - how fast etc and I guess that was an Xray for my chest.

Then we have one more item, she hands in some paperwork, pays for my exam and says "all done"- its now 11:45am and in 15 mins everyone is going "bye bye"

We walk to a restaurant, order some food, rest and then head back to the school. She will take in my info this week and then I will officially be a resident of China!